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the Right licks its wounds, therieb passes out Band-Aids...

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It's always the same for me. I'm the last to the party, or better, if I arrive at your hip party, it's an indication that it's no longer hip. And so it goes with my new-found conservatism. After having the title conservative thrust upon me by my disappointed liberal friends, my new soulmates take the worst beating at the polls in a generation. Next week, the brain trust of the conservative movement, that collection of alcoholic billionaire yachtsmen, chicken hawks, religious fanatics, gun nuts, talk radio bigots, and Wall Street swindlers (those who didn't give money to Obama) will meet at some ghastly estate in Virginia, the former capitol of the Confederacy, to chart a way forward. If they are smart, they will invite me, and I will address them thus:

"My fellow conservatives, I stand before you as a newcomer, but pay no mind! You all, or I suppose I should say y'all, don't like people with any experience or standing anyway, if our most recent vice-presidential pick is any indication. We are gathered together to rebuild the conservative movement, safe in the knowledge that we are right about nearly everything! And yet we struggle. How can an ideology that is so right go so wrong at the polls? It would be satisfying to blame the electorate, but that would sound elitist, and without the Joes the Plumber of the world, where would we be? It would be easy to blame the economy, but conservative candidates were in deep trouble before the stock market collapsed, and that happened with our side in the White House anyway.

It would appear that there are deep structural problems with our platform. Our behavior has become so contradictory that even the addled American voter can see the inconsistencies. Isn't hypocrisy best left to America's progressives? With that in mind, I present to you therieb's new conservative platform for the twenty-first century. If we follow these simple principles, we cannot fail.

1) On defense: Surely this is an issue where conservatives should rule the day, and yet our message is entirely out of whack. We realise that we are engaged in a war of civilizations. We understand the enormity of the World Trade Center bombings. We say we have the will to win, but we are unwilling to use the one weapon that has proven effective against petro-terrorism: conservation. That's a little embarrassing considering that the word conserve is part of our name. Let's face facts. We can argue about whether or not the invasion of Iraq was a fool's errand, but it's difficult to argue against the fact that the recent halving of the price of a barrel of oil has done more to hinder terrorism than the two wars we are fighting. Have we heard much from Putin, the Saudis, or stupid Hugo Chavez since the price of oil fell under $70 a barrel?If we can agree that petro-dollars are funneled by rogue governments to the terrorist "madrases," which produce a never ending stream of bearded troglodytes willing to strap explosives to their bodies, why do we have such a hard time turning off the tap? Gentlemen, there is a war on. The enemy wants to destroy us, and we are paying him. We are the people who lionize the generation that fought World War II. We point to their sacrifice, but where is ours? Why can't we drive smaller cars, or take the bus? Why not invest in alternative fuels? Let's harness the inherent bigotry of the conservative movement and drive these camel riding neanderthals back to the desert! It can be bloodless, relatively painless, and absolutely conservative. We will make sacrifices to win the war. Energy policy is not an environmental issue. It is at the heart of defending this land.

2) On finance and the economy: Oh dear! The free market has had a bit of a hiccup, hasn't it? Look, can we please cut the crap? There is no such thing as a free market, never has been. Some markets are freer than others, and at this point in history, it appears that freer markets do function better, a fact to which anyone who has lived in Eastern Europe can attest. But if you want your market freer, you can't cheat! I'm no fan of Rush Limbaugh, but he recently appeared on his website, with a megaphone no less, screaming something to the effect of: "When do we get to riot? When do the people who went to work and paid their taxes and didn't buy more than they could afford get to riot?" This in reference to the $1.3 trillion dollar bailout of the financial industry, and he said exactly what many of our constituents are thinking. American voters may be impossibly stupid, but it appears they are unconvinced by the "trust me, Chico" explanation of spending their tax dollars to bail out failed businesses. They are unimpressed by the statement that the financial crisis is "very complicated." All they want is for people to play by some set of rules whilst playing with their retirement savings. Does that sound unreasonable? Look, I'm as against regulation as much as the next red-blooded American, but it seems that the gentleman's agreement not to steal too much from the middle class that you find in Edmond Burke and on the Wall Street Journal editorial page just isn't sufficient. Who will we turn to when those rascals in the investment business overreach? Formerly funny P.J. O'Rourke concluded a blustery Weekly Standard column recently by shouting about crimes committed on Wall Street. His instincts are right but his facts are all wrong. No crimes were committed. There are currently no or very few laws that restrict the behavior of our banking brethren. If O'Rourke is tacitly saying there should be, shouldn't we give him a listen?

3) "Social Issues." Oh God! Can we please give these a rest? Nothing is as boring as talking about partial birth abortion in front of a bunch of blue collar workers who are about to lose their houses to foreclosure. That's when you find out how little they really care about that shit. Sure there's a dyed in the wool group of bomb throwers who find those issues to be endlessly entertaining, but are they really so numerous as to make a difference? Are there more of them that the libertarians we alienate by trying to legislate religious weirdness? And what of this intelligent design garbage? Sure some parents love Jesus, but even Jesus-loving parents know that no kid ever made it into Princeton because he got an "A" in intelligent design.

4) The environment: I have never understood why conservatives don't win on this issue. Once again, isn't conserve a part of our name? And another thing, progressives hardly ever go outside, and when they do, they take to the mountains in their SUVs for a day of climbing. Doesn't their incredible hypocrisy make environmental issues low hanging fruit for us? What went wrong? For starters, we rejected the idea of global warming. Now I have no idea if global warming is real or not, and I certainly resent the media forecasting the end of the world every time we have a spell of hot weather, but who cares? Global warming is a political idea just like any other. Take an impossibly complicated problem, boil it down so normal Americans can understand it, and then make them very, very afraid of it. My God, isn't this how we got people to vote against homosexual rights? The bastard liberals have beaten us at our own game! Why the hell not sign the Kyoto Treaty? The countries that did have kept right on polluting, with that added bonus that they now get to point the finger at us!

5) Foreign Policy: For the life of me, I cannot understand the idea of never talking to our enemies. The current administration has confused the ideas of diplomacy and appeasement. Let's not be confused. Seeing Yassar Arafat as a frequent guest of the Clinton administration was stomach churning. However, that's not to say that all diplomacy is acquiescence. The conservative movement must get back to promoting the diplomacy where we get in a room with our enemies and gently explain exactly what will happen if they continue their outrageous behavior. "Vladimir, my friend, walk with me..."

Done and done, a way forward to conservative dominance for the foreseeable future. Remember always, we advertise ourselves as the ideology of the grown ups. Perhaps we should start to act our age.